It was the kind of email that makes your shoulders clench up tight, right by your ears.
A friend—not a super-close one, but one I respected and admired—wanted my help with a writing project.
Her deadline was seven days away. She just needed a few hours of my time. She was even willing to pay me. Would I help?
I took a deep breath, glanced at my calendar, and chewed it over.
Hmmm. I could probably squeeze this little project into my week if I juggled a few things around, woke up earlier, stayed up later, or carved out some time on a Saturday or Sunday.
But even just thinking about it, I was already feeling bitter and resentful.
The truth was, I simply didn’t want to do it.
The project didn’t excite me. The money didn’t make it any more appealing. I would rather have those hours to myself to work on my other projects. Or just cuddle with my sweetheart.
There was no compelling reason why I ought to say “yes!” to her request—other than just to “be nice” and “help out a friend.” And while I do love being a nice, helpful friend, sometimes, the answer is “not this time.”
It was slightly awkward, but I made my decision.
I was ready to craft a response and say “no.”
And let me tell you, it’s a funny thing—even as a professional writer and communications strategist who makes a living advising people on what to say and how to say it—saying “no” to a friend is still a tricky scenario. Especially when you’re nervous about damaging the relationship.
What I do know, though, is that saying “no” gets easier with practice and repetition.
And having the right script—a starting point, so you’re not starting at a blank screen—can make all the difference.
Here’s a universal script that works for just about any scenario:
Hey [name],
Thanks for your note.
I’m so proud of you for ___—and I’m flattered that you’d like to bring my brain into the mix.
I need to say “no,” because ___.
But I would love to support you in a different way.
[Offer an alternative form of support here]
Thank you for being such a wonderful ___. I am honored to be part of your world.
[A few closing words of encouragement, if you’d like]
[Your name here]
For example:
Hey Angela,
Thanks for your note.
I’m so proud of you for deciding to apply for that small business owner award—and I’m flattered that you’d like to bring my brain into the mix.
I need to say “no,” because my week is already quite full—and I know it wouldn’t be smart (or humane) for me to add anything new to my plate.
But I would love to support you in a different way.
I’ve attached a couple of worksheets that I created for a recent writing workshop—including a couple of templates that will help you to craft a bio, a manifesto, and a few other pieces for your application.
Thank you for being such a wonderful friend and colleague. I am honored to be part of your world.
Good luck with the contest! I know you’re going to do a terrific job.
Alex
Here are three points to remember when you’re using this particular script—or something similar—to say “no” to a friend.
Say it Fast
Don’t keep your friend hanging for days or weeks, hoping she’ll “forget” about it. She won’t.
Explain Why—Briefly
Depending on the nature of your relationship, you may want to explain why you’re saying no. But don’t over-explain or give your entire life story. That’s not necessary.
In the example above, I mentioned that I have a particularly busy week. Period.
In some instances, no explanation is required. But for close friends, it can often be a nice touch. If you’re concise and honest, friends will (almost) always understand.
Propose Something Else
The key to crafting a gentle “no” is to include an alternative form of support. Think: a link to a helpful blog post, a resource, a worksheet, a few quick tips, or a referral or personal introduction to someone who might be able to help.
This “alternative” should obviously be something that you are willing to give (or do)— because it is easier, less complicated, or less time-consuming, it doesn’t cost money, or it just feels good for you to offer. Not something that takes more of your time.
The late Steve Jobs once said: “Focus is about saying no.”
Ain’t that the truth.
Don’t over-clutter your calendar with commitments that derail your focus, pulling you away from the work that you truly want to do.
It’s not good for your career. It’s not good for your soul.
And if someone gets furious because of your perfectly reasonable, elegantly articulated “no?” Well, they were probably never your true friend to begin with.
Good thing you know.
So that now, you can say “yes!” to a friendship with somebody else.